flowers grow out of dirt

i woke up feeling extra fat today.  and then i changed my outfit 3 times because EVERYTHING LOOKED AWFUL.  even getting in the car made me feel that i would roll to school as a blob and never stop.  which would therefore lead to never being able to impact the world for any sort of good as everyone would be too distracted by my horrifying self.  i was beating myself up big-time.  

miraculously, the sun continued to move through the sky and kids listened to me and fellow teachers were kind and no one screamed at me from the shadows about the world coming to an end because i was having a fat day. 

after school two former students came to see me.  they asked to interview me for a school essay.  it was on pain.  and i can speak on that issue.  i had 10 years—that’s 3,652 days—of physical pain due to negligence in getting me to a doctor when i was sick in boarding school.  i learned how to live daily in pain…and had to figure out how to not lose hope.  how grateful i am for the diagnosis of celiac disease and the indelible change in my physical life!

i try to live every day in gratitude for being healthy and the ability to walk and move without dread.  but sometimes i wake up like today and feel grumpy about who and what i am.

the conversation with these sweet students was rich and powerful.  at the end one turned to me and said, ‘i need to say something to you…even though i’m still figuring out the exact words.’  she spoke of how she originally wanted to be famous; to be someone that everyone knew and looked up to.  but after being in my class she changed her focus.  she watched me and was inspired and decided she instead wanted to be a teacher so she could reach out, motivate and encourage instead of being the one getting all the attention.  the other student gasped and said, ‘those are exactly the words i wanted to say, too!’ 

meanwhile i sat in a puddle of emotion.  i was overwhelmed, deeply touched, shamed and incredulous.  i do what i do because i believe 100% that love through education changes the world—one life at a time.  there are many times, though, i lose sight of that and focus on all my inadequacies over and over.  but it is not about me!  it is about honesty and openness and change and hope.  i can’t believe the kind words, but i am thankful. 

there’s something else.  the girls asked me what i learned from pain.  ‘flowers grow out of dirt,’ i said.  there’s always something beautiful—however small—from the manure.  i can usually find something positive about all situations. 

but what happened last year still has me stumped.  i accepted my infertility and chose to love all kids around me as if they were my own instead.  i found the positives of having no kids and looked forward.  but then i was given a miracle pregnancy.  and then i had the miracle taken from me.  and the baby would have been born this month.  i feel embarrassed that this affects me so much.  but i’m still angry and still sad and still in pain.  but in this month, on this day, these two girls sat in my room, looked me in the eye and spoke kindness.  and i realised that i was so surrounded in love last year by my students—with true empathy and concern.  not many people get surrounded with that kind of sincere love in this life.  that love has changed me.  it gives me hope and allows me to keep going.  if the whole world could know that kind of honest, sweet love, there would be no war and no hate.  AND I HAVE GOTTEN THAT.  the pain is great, but the love is greater.  and i couldn’t have felt the depth of that love if i didn’t have that depth of pain. 

flowers continue to bloom.  and i celebrate the abundance of colour.