writer's block

whenever i can’t deal with things, i give up writing.  for most of my life, i have been terrible about keeping in touch with those i love the most.  separation overwhelms and hurts me, so writing people is given up.  and while writing is one of my favourite cathartic exercises, it is abandoned when a situation becomes too big or pain-filled. 

2012 was a rough summer.  it was more than rough, actually.  it brought me to my knees.  i’ve come through heartache, wrenching goodbyes, depression, insomnia…and not all gracefully.  and since july, i haven’t been able to write.  i’ve had plenty of ideas and thoughts, but the inability took over. 

…one of my favourite thoughts is that we will never stay exactly like we are.  ‘but let me tell you something wonderful, a mystery i'll probably never fully understand. we're not all going to die—but we are all going to be changed (1 corinthians 15.51).’  there will always be a change in us or our circumstances. sometimes the change seems worse for a bit, but we know that we won’t be left stagnant, moulding in a corner of life.  there is ALWAYS hope for change. 

as God has graciously done for me countless times in the past, He has surrounded me by incredible people during this last semester.  there have been many days where i have barely limped through, but beautiful humans held me up, encouraging me to keep going forward, looking toward the hope of change.

so this december, it’s time to write again.  

durian challenge!

a dirty diaper burning on a pile of hair.  the worst B.O. mixed with wafting sewage.  a perfume of rotting flowers in toxic gas.  these are all descriptions i've heard for durian, a big, smelly fruit that is often well-loved in this part of the world.  it's usually issued with a warning, however; many places have signs: no durian allowed inside!  it's certainly a daunting fruit--one that most visitors are not eager to try. 

both katie and i had it growing up.  neither of us were fans.  ray had never experienced the incredible mix of slimy and chewy, silky and pungent.  i know so many people, however, who LOVE durian.  i've always wondered if it's a taste i would grow into one day.  a few months ago we had dinner with a man who grew up in indonesia and now lives in thailand.  he introduced us to his theory: if one will eat durian at least three times within a two week period, one would be changed to a durian-lover!  so the three of us (katie, ray and i) set out to be converted!  here are the pictures:

 durian!

 unsure about where this smelly journey will take us.

 ready, set, eat!

 ray finds himself pleasantly surprised and rates his first tasting a 7.

 katie is less impressed and designates a 3 to this try.

 i am unable to conceal my disgust.  a 2 is generous.  

 a few days later we were back for more!

 sadly, this round was not as good for anyone.  ray came down to a 5.

 katie holds steady at a 3. 

 yet again, i am impolite in my response.

 i barely manage to hold up a 1.

 last chance to turn us into believers!  and, yes!  katie gives it a 6!

 ray jumps back up to a smile and a 7!

 it was improved for me at a 3, but i'm still not happy about it!

a 3 with a smile, since i felt badly about all my faces....

songkran

happy new year!  it's the traditional beginning of the year...celebrated in chiang mai by the biggest water fight in the world called songkran!  this was a time that used to focus on showing respect to the elders in one's life.  the purification symbol of water was used to bless superiors; often water was poured on the shoulder. 

all that has morphed into an incredibly fun time of dousing people with water.  the streets are lined with people in garishly-coloured shirts and buckets of water, throwing it at motorcycles and trucks going by who are armed with their own barrels or waterguns. 

getting ready for a passing motorcycle...

contact!

we went with some friends down to the main part of town--the remnants of an ancient moat.  before taking two steps we were promptly soaked.  we were sucked right in to the wet mayhem.  warm water from the moat was flung from buckets.  ice water from barrels was poured down our backs. 

ready for a water fight!

at one point, i stood in the middle of the huge, water-soaked crowd, pushed the wet hair out of my face, and could not believe how unbelievably fortunate i was.  i loved seeing a whole community come together with gusto.  the fact that we get to live here and take part in such fun is beautiful to me. 

this is a time that started for cleansing.  and now, after this songkran break, with time to think and pray and be and participate in a huge water fight, i indeed feel cleansed and ready for the sprint to the end of the school year!

note: since i didn't want our little camera to get ruined, i didn't take it out of the car.  i sacrificed good pictures for the chance to take future pictures!  so be sure to do a google search on songkran and its history!  then go out and organize your own water fight!

impromptu goodbye

i had to say goodbye to one of my students today. 

his family has an amazing story.  they were being persecuted in their passport country.  they barely escaped to thailand and started over with nothing.  for the last five years they've been living here, the kids attending grace and trying to get asylum in the united states.  it all finally went through a few days ago.  i learned he was leaving yesterday afternoon.  and i have kept up a pretty steady diet of tears ever since (though not in front of the kids--just in case you're worried that they've had to put up with a soppy, red-eyed crazy teacher!). 

i hate the fact that will not see him again this year.  i hate that my time with him is done--just like that.  he was just learning to push himself in school and think more critically and live with more empathy.  i don't think he needs me.  i just love being part of his journey.  i love it every day.  

even after a lifetime of constant and consistent goodbyes, i STILL don't do well with them.  i'm a strong believer in doing them right.  but i still hate them.

i am so very sad.  i know email and facebook and skype exist.  i know this is an opportunity for his family that is necessary and miraculous.  but i also know i am so sad to lose a student overnight.  obviously, if it was up to me, i would only add students and never let any present ones go!   

but here's what i can give him: i can teach him how to say goodbye.  i at least can offer that to him.  after all, i'm an expert from a lot of experience.  i sat with him yesterday afternoon during study hall.  together we wrote 'a plan on leaving.'  i stressed the importance of apologizing for any hurts caused, the necessity of thanking those who had a positive influence on him, the value of saying goodbye to people AND places, and finally the joy of looking forward at all the good to come.  he made a T chart of what he would miss in thailand and all that he was looking forward to in the move. 

he struggles to be serious.  he loves having fun.  i told him that will get him through a lot in life!  but i also was direct: his life as he's known it will drastically change overnight.  he's had very little prep time and it is vital for him to acknowledge the hugeness of all that's happening.  he told me tears feared him!  i laughed and said he didn't need to cry to have huge emotions, but he DID have to acknowledge.  if we go through life not recognizing what's happening to us and not naming it, we are people out of touch with ourselves, our lives and our God. 

we had an impromptu party for him.  the day coincided with 'pi day,' which meant yummy pies!  a fellow student made a huge chocolate cake and a sweet mom brought in a tray of cookies and brownies.  in all the craziness of the day, it whirled to a close too fast.  everyone signed his yearbook and i wrote him a note folded into an origami e. 

i told him i was proud of him and that i would miss him.  he skipped away for the last time and i went back to being a seven-year-old.  back to having to say yet another goodbye, closing up a relationship stretched across oceans, back to having no control over the pain.  i cried because i know despite all the good in his life, there's also confusion and homesickness and sorrow in store for him.

he's done what he can in this short breath of time.  we've done what we can.  so now the awful goodbyes have been said, we acknowledge the pain, and we continue being present for those still here.  

goodbye, elijah.  i will miss you greatly. 

pollution

what's wrong with this picture?

compare it to this one.  

the complete lack of mountains shows how amazingly bad the pollution is right now.  it's not a hot season; it's a polluted season.  due to rice field burning and the geography of being nestled in mountains, the smoke blankets the city...for months on end.  lately, the kids have not been allowed to run at recess; today they couldn't even go outside (video time!).  our lungs and eyes burn, our heads pound, our kleenexes end up black.  this is supposed to be here until the rains come in june!  here's hoping recess isn't gone that long!

finding home...through miracles.

we just moved into our new home.  and it is a miracle.  let me tell you about it...

ray shows off the front of our little house!

first of all, some background. ray has a part-time job in the US, enabling us to live here and have me volunteer 100% of my time.  besides that, people in our lives reached out at an incredible rate and gave us gifts to enable us to buy our plane tickets and set up a basic life here.  DAILY we were humbled and awed by the kindness and mind-blowing generosity of others!

there is good and bad news i will now share with you.  good: we are still in awe at the kindness of people.  bad: in the last 6 months ray has not been paid (his last paycheck came in july; it’s now january).  so while we were able to start life here and not be hindered by bills in the US, we have been scraping the bottom of the barrel at this point.   

there are two things we believe strongly (and i do not say this lightly): 1. God WANTS us here and will not drop us.  2. He has ALWAYS provided.  if i think about the whole situation too much, it is indeed scary.  we sold off most of our lives and here we are, not knowing where the money is going to come from.  but God has worked time and time again.  technically, moving our entire lives to thailand in two months shouldn’t have been possible, but here we are!

and let me tell you: people’s generosity on this side of the world has amazed us just as much.  remember, i teach at a school for volunteer workers and missionaries.  these people are not rich.  but i have gone to my mailbox at school to find an envelope stuffed with the sacrificial offering from a coworker.  i was given a basket of christmas decorations to borrow for the season since we don’t have any.  someone brought us a meal when i was sick…in brand new dishes so we would have something in which to bake in our own place!

and 3 wednesdays ago...  i went into my room after school.  the lights were turned off, which was weird since it was supposed to be used for clubs. all of a sudden, 8 students of mine jumped out of hiding, screaming, ‘SURPRISE!!!’  they even had a few balloons!  i laughed and thought, what fun!  then one stepped forward and said, ‘i have a speech.’ 

she told how the girls got together last friday, made cookies and sold them at the soccer tournament the past weekend.  then they pressed a wrinkled envelope into my hands.  ‘this is the little amount of money we raised.  it’s for you.’  of course, i cried.  i can’t believe these kids.  

after the family we were sub-letting from came back to thailand, we not only had to move, but we also needed transportation.  there is no reliable public out near the school or our new house, so we had to buy a car.  cars are much more expensive than we were originally told.  a 20 year old mazda cost us dearly.  but pay attention: we had car taxes that we didn't know were coming.  the money the girls raised covered them exactly!

the 'new' car!

we continued to feel SO STRONGLY that THIS is where God wants us, we decided to live our lives as if we were staying.  we signed a one-year lease--with no income!  and not much to put into the house.  i told my kids every day: a miracle is coming.  just wait. 

the weekend before the move my dear principal told me to come by the house; she had dishes to give us as she was moving in a few months.  we showed up at her house to find the entire kitchen emptied onto her dining room table.  'take anything you want,' maxene told us.  there were way more than plates (beautiful ones, by the way!); there were serving dishes galore, a blender, tablecloths, christmas decorations, a kitchen trashcan, cooking utensils, candles, and so much more.  again, completely overwhelmed, i cried.  let me tell you, the hardest 'stuff' to say goodbye to was kitchen stuff.  and we now have more than we had!  

the kitchen with our over-abundance!

after that trip, the only things we really needed to live everyday life were silverware and pots.  as we were leaving school on tuesday to move, a colleague of mine came up with a bag and said, 'i don't know if you could use these, but i have some extra silverware and 3 pots.' 

again, we believe we’re supposed to be here.  and we believe we’re here in a unique position to touch kids’ lives and give hope.  ...we’ve learned that takes more help from others than we would like.  but who are we to be given to so sacrificially?! 

miracles happen daily.  and here's the last one (though i know it's not truly the last...)  last tuesday morning, the day of the move, ray got an email: the cheque had come through.  he got paid for all his hard work.  of ALL the days from july to january, the money came through on our moving day!  

we don’t know where our future income is coming from, but we know it’s coming.  we are already living in gratefulness for that day.  and we will continue to give of what we have—whether it be plenty or lacking—to those in our lives.  

i still may be a girl who questions where to call home.  but i no longer question this period of my life.  nor do i question the God who sustains us.  for now, we are meant to be exactly here!  

the back of the house--notice the beautiful upper 'coffee veranda!'

 

home....?

anytime i go back to bangladesh, i am accosted yet again with questions of home.  what makes a place home?  does the answer lie in cliches?  is home where the heart is?  but my heart is many places...and certainly not all of them are home to me.  is home where family is?  a week before going i found out my parents were leaving in 6 months.  and without them there, without a physical house, is it still home enough?

let me tell you what i did figure out, though.  it was beautiful to go back to familiar.  so often while living in america, i was struck with the desire to have my life be more than interesting stories and fascinating cultural facts!  i wanted my longing for it to be expressed more deeply than cravings for a certain sweet in a facebook update!  i wanted to take the world’s face in my hands and make it understand this constant straddling of 2 lives is exhausting.  but no matter what has formed me as an adult, my country of bangladesh has been a part of me since the day i turned 3.  it's what i've known longest and most thoroughly. 

best of all: ray came home with me.  he heard the sounds and smelled the smells and ate the food and experienced the hospitality...and he loved it all.  he saw the best things the country had to offer and enjoyed. 

at this point in my life, i realize that ray is my anchor no matter where i am in the world.  i am like a turtle carrying my home around with me; no matter where we go, we go together.  how vital for him to see where i grew up (as it was for me to visit his hometown in southern france 2 years ago).  how equally vital for him to stand by me as we settle into our new home here.

in fact, when we arrived back in thailand, i said 'what a quiet, beautiful city this is!  i feel a bit like i'm coming home.'  so the journey starts again.  we're setting down more roots, making our way in a new place, carving out a space...

home really is a sensitive issue for me.  for years i felt like it was a dirty word.  there was so much baggage attached to it; feelings of being a traitor to one side or another, and, of course, never fully belonging anywhere.  after being married and living in one country for four years, it has been a hard move.  i wanted it to happen, i'm glad we're here, but it's brought up a lot of issues.  God has been sweeter to me than i remember and my husband has been more amazing than i've experienced.  i don't have the answers, but i have a lot more peace.  

christmas week

the last four days of school, i declared: christmas week.  every day i dressed up to celebrate another aspect of the holiday.  poor ray lived a week of embarrassment; the kids loved it! :)  i wanted to post these pictures at the end of 'christmas week' but there just wasn't time.  after 16 hours at school on the last day, we packed.  the day after, we left to go to my childhood home of bangladesh.  it was beautiful, but incredibly intense!  all that to say, celebrate with me now....

the first day i was in a full-on tux, complete with a christmas garland bolero.  sadly, i didn't get a good picture, but ray did take this one.  i was getting measured for an event later in the week....

 

day 2: the christmas elf made an appearance!  i went out to dinner in this garb, spreading cheer to all around!

 i declared day 3 'glamourous christmas.'  incidently, this is also my wedding dress!

the entire quarter in which we studied ancient egypt culminated in our egyptian christmas party.  of course, i dressed appropriately!  thanks to my friend katie and her project runway skills, i had the perfect dress.  thanks to my husband, i had the crown and collar...AND the perfect sidekick!