hungry

i had a little meltdown yesterday.  hm, maybe the correct wording would not include little...  there were a lot of tears.  i never thought food free from gluten (or lackthereof) would be such a problem.  yesterday it coloured everything. 

there was not even rice to eat at lunch.  so i swallowed my daily lunch sullenly: 3 tasteless pieces of lettuce, 4 slices of pale tomato, 2 rings of green peppers and a handful of very hard flavorless beans.  i just couldn't get any more down.  it's the same lunch every day.  across the table the delicious scent of thai coconut chicken curry wafted into my entire being.  the lady eating it complained loudly for the entirety of lunch: 'this is too spicy!  i can SEE the red flakes of spice!  doesn't everyone think this is awful?!' no one did.  and her ungratefulness made me want to dump the plate of food on her. 

i don't usually feel SO angry.  yeah, it's frustrating to not be able to eat what i want, but at least i'm healthy!  but the last week i haven't felt healthy.  i don't have enough fuel through the day.  i ended the last 6 days with a raging headache, no energy, and a loudly growling stomach.  i am always so very hungry! and yesterday it all came to a head.  all i could see was the rest of my life in thailand stretched out for endless oblivion, filled with meal after meal of flavorless vegetables, while being taunted by some of the world's most amazing food.

i left (so as not to throw any plates) and tried to give myself a pep talk on the way back to my classroom.  instead, i went the bathroom and cried.  after 3 more hours at school, i went home and cried for another hour.  i probably wailed the phrase, 'i'm just so hungry' forty-plus times.  ray sat and listened quietly.  he wisely did not try to fix anything.  after i was done wailing i kissed him and said, 'thank you.'  

later i thought about the future.  is this not going to work?  am i not going to stay in an incredible place, doing what i love most, because of the food?  food is pretty important but so is doing what you love...

i really do believe God Himself wants us here.  He worked countless miracles to enable us to move here.  and our lives have already been greatly enriched these last six weeks in thailand.  so if i truly believe that, do i truly believe God is enough?

i work with some incredible people.  many have challenged me deeply.  one lady's husband is in afghanistan for the year.  instead of saying, 'wow, this year will be awful without him,' she felt like she should use the year to serve.  so she packed up her kids and they moved from alaska to thailand (alaska to thailand!) to help in any way possible.  she's the one who subbed for me the entire week i was out with bronchitis.  her son is in my class and i love him. 

one of the speech therapists here is married to a lawyer.  they both could have stayed in a posh neighbourhood in the west, living the good life.  instead they gave up their lucrative careers to serve here.  their personalities are perfectly suited for thailand; their love for everyone surrounding them is so evident. 

yes, people and money and food are all necessary.  but the absence of these beautiful parts of our lives can make us more dependent on God; thus we are able to be used more.  and if asked by God to forgo them for a season, am i truly willing?  is He enough?