anytime i go back to bangladesh, i am accosted yet again with questions of home. what makes a place home? does the answer lie in cliches? is home where the heart is? but my heart is many places...and certainly not all of them are home to me. is home where family is? a week before going i found out my parents were leaving in 6 months. and without them there, without a physical house, is it still home enough?
let me tell you what i did figure out, though. it was beautiful to go back to familiar. so often while living in america, i was struck with the desire to have my life be more than interesting stories and fascinating cultural facts! i wanted my longing for it to be expressed more deeply than cravings for a certain sweet in a facebook update! i wanted to take the world’s face in my hands and make it understand this constant straddling of 2 lives is exhausting. but no matter what has formed me as an adult, my country of bangladesh has been a part of me since the day i turned 3. it's what i've known longest and most thoroughly.
best of all: ray came home with me. he heard the sounds and smelled the smells and ate the food and experienced the hospitality...and he loved it all. he saw the best things the country had to offer and enjoyed.
at this point in my life, i realize that ray is my anchor no matter where i am in the world. i am like a turtle carrying my home around with me; no matter where we go, we go together. how vital for him to see where i grew up (as it was for me to visit his hometown in southern france 2 years ago). how equally vital for him to stand by me as we settle into our new home here.
in fact, when we arrived back in thailand, i said 'what a quiet, beautiful city this is! i feel a bit like i'm coming home.' so the journey starts again. we're setting down more roots, making our way in a new place, carving out a space...
home really is a sensitive issue for me. for years i felt like it was a dirty word. there was so much baggage attached to it; feelings of being a traitor to one side or another, and, of course, never fully belonging anywhere. after being married and living in one country for four years, it has been a hard move. i wanted it to happen, i'm glad we're here, but it's brought up a lot of issues. God has been sweeter to me than i remember and my husband has been more amazing than i've experienced. i don't have the answers, but i have a lot more peace.
Your words touched me deeply. Thank you for allowing me to read them! Our love to you both!
ReplyDeletethanks mel for expressing so well what so many of us feel. what hit me the most was, "the constant straddling of 2 lives is exhausting, and being a traitor to one side or the other!" and then i so could relate to: "the journey starts again. we're setting down more roots, making our way in a new place, carving out a space..." that's what i'm feeling right now. not excited about carving out a space where i'm at... but it is where I'm to be for now, so i choose to do with with anticipation in what i can learn & experience in this spot.
ReplyDeleteblessings on you & ray. SO SO glad he got to go 'home' & see your roots.
love & miss you
what you've written really gives me pause... to think about wonder. I'm so glad I saw this. :) thanks for sharing from your heart!
ReplyDeleteWow, that was a great post and so well written. So happy for you, and by the way, every picture I see of you, you are looking amazing Mel!
ReplyDeleteThanks Mel. Eloquently and simply put. It can be a lonely journey for those of us who still struggle with this concept, and hearing another story, so sincerely expressed, makes it just a little bit easier to keep going.
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