i woke up feeling extra fat today. and then i changed my outfit 3 times because
EVERYTHING LOOKED AWFUL. even getting in
the car made me feel that i would roll to school as a blob and never stop. which would therefore lead to never being
able to impact the world for any sort of good as everyone would be too
distracted by my horrifying self. i was
beating myself up big-time.
miraculously, the sun continued to move through the
sky and kids listened to me and fellow teachers were kind and no one screamed
at me from the shadows about the world coming to an end because i was having a
fat day.
after school two former students came to see me. they asked to interview me for a school
essay. it was on pain. and i can speak on that issue. i had 10 years—that’s 3,652 days—of physical
pain due to negligence in getting me to a doctor when i was sick in boarding
school. i learned how to live daily in
pain…and had to figure out how to not lose hope. how grateful i am for the diagnosis of celiac
disease and the indelible change in my physical life!
i try to live every day in gratitude for being healthy
and the ability to walk and move without dread.
but sometimes i wake up like today and feel grumpy about who and what i
am.
the conversation with these sweet students was rich
and powerful. at the end one turned to
me and said, ‘i need to say something to you…even though i’m still figuring out
the exact words.’ she spoke of how she
originally wanted to be famous; to be someone that everyone knew and looked up
to. but after being in my class she
changed her focus. she watched me and
was inspired and decided she instead wanted to be a teacher so she could reach
out, motivate and encourage instead of being the one getting all the attention. the other student gasped and said, ‘those are
exactly the words i wanted to say, too!’
meanwhile i sat in a puddle of emotion. i was overwhelmed, deeply touched, shamed and
incredulous. i do what i do because i
believe 100% that love through education changes the world—one life at a
time. there are many times, though, i
lose sight of that and focus on all my inadequacies over and over. but it is not about me! it is about honesty and openness and change
and hope. i can’t believe the kind words,
but i am thankful.
there’s something else. the girls asked me what i learned from
pain. ‘flowers grow out of dirt,’ i
said. there’s always something
beautiful—however small—from the manure.
i can usually find something positive about all situations.
but what happened last year still has me stumped. i accepted my infertility and chose to love
all kids around me as if they were my own instead. i found the positives of having no kids and
looked forward. but then i was given a
miracle pregnancy. and then i had the
miracle taken from me. and the baby would
have been born this month. i feel
embarrassed that this affects me so much.
but i’m still angry and still sad and still in pain. but in this month, on this day, these two
girls sat in my room, looked me in the eye and spoke kindness. and i realised that i was so surrounded in
love last year by my students—with true empathy and concern. not many people get surrounded with that kind
of sincere love in this life. that love
has changed me. it gives me hope and
allows me to keep going. if the whole
world could know that kind of honest, sweet love, there would be no war and no
hate. AND I HAVE GOTTEN THAT. the pain is great, but the love is
greater. and i couldn’t have felt the
depth of that love if i didn’t have that depth of pain.
flowers continue to bloom. and i celebrate the abundance of colour.
